It is said that Jack Spratt could eat no fat and his wife could eat no lean. One can only wonder what compulsive disorders governed their lives. Or what they looked like: he all tendons and hollows, giving off dark, foul urine; she, held vertical by diabetic compression stockings, obliviously clearing sausages from the shelves of the grocer with her hips. The illustration above is as real as Joan Rivers’s face.

There is a better way to divide up a diet, and yes, it was devised long ago by your betters.  We carry within us special bacteria that produce all the nutrients we need, except for choline and cholesterol, which are easily found.  As opposed to you, who, despite your prodigious over-consumption, need to be directed to “healthy” foods and “supplements” to supply the truly pathetic range of foods you must have to function properly.

Why do our bacteria do this for us?  We keep them fed and safe in the fat of our bodies; and we pass them from generation to generation.  In a hundred million years we have not had one squabble.

Do you think the same could be said of the Spratts? With their diet, I am sure they went at it hammer and tongs. A suggestion for all you modern Spratts: take a cockroach to lunch. Give him a little cholesterol, and he’ll let you have the rest.

And peace will reign in your home.