What good is middle age? When our fertility expires, we are biologically irrelevant. Not pliant or impressionable, we are culturally marginal. Why don’t we find a corner to molder in, or take a long cruise on a short ice floe?

Because, I’ve found, for women (and perhaps for men) this is a great time of life, maybe the best of all. Reproductive decisions are over. Families have been launched, leaving mothers with a tremendous sense of competence, pride (and often relief). Now there is no NEED for a mate—romantic decisions are not time-sensitive or means-tested. There is professional achievement, and even “free time.” The result is a population of self-reliant, contented, and, not coincidentally, sexually adventurous women.

Being in their company is magical.

A hundred years ago, the median life span was 47—you mated, you reared, and a decade or two later you retired and died. There was no reason conventions guiding conduct, especially romantic conduct, should develop. In the last century median life span leaped 30 years, an unparalleled revolution in the human condition. That these extra years have so quickly become a time of freedom and pleasure—rather than consternation and disorientation—is magical.

In midlife, men, who are also liberated from child rearing and supporting, want women who are confident, self-reliant, and sexually adventurous. Such women are all over the place; and because of the male propensity to drop dead young, the women far outnumber the men. Yet many men despair that they cannot find an appropriate sweetheart. Why? They see right through their female peers, as if they were made of vapor. It is magical.

There are evolutionary/biological reasons why men’s eyes focus on youth. Like every other living thing we are designed to reproduce. But in midlife, the last thing most men want is to raise (more) children. If they procure a young woman, they are missing out on their ideal companions, and signing on for their worst nightmare. These ideal companions too often find themselves involuntarily alone.

That is the ultimate magic of our time. It is black magic.

I’ve spent nine years researching the ways middle-aged women (single ones, who have chosen, or were forced, to start anew) conduct the sexual and romantic lives. Some, frustrated and disgusted, hop off what they feel is the bus to Romance Palooka-ville. Some soldier on, expecting little, and getting it.

But others triumph. How? Some realize they are happy with a smaller (though passionate) male footprint in their lives. Some make startling discoveries about themselves, and find liberation in revolutionary changes in lifestyle—including sexual relationships and behaviors that would have horrified them earlier in life.

Confounding, infuriating, thrilling. It is the subject of my new book, which will be out in March: The Magic of Middle-Aged Women.

I plan to roll out many of my findings here.  I’m eager to hear recommendations about other issues, especially practical ones, that should be addressed in the furtherance of Midlife Love.


29 thoughts on “Welcome.

  1. Dan, of course, I think your blog is tremendous. I would like every man I date, have dated, or want to date to read it. Some, thankfully, are/have been as evolved as you, but as you point out, so many are not. Their loss. As I have aged and become more liberated, gained a bit of wisdom, and become more aware of my sexuality and how to make the most of it, I am happier, more fulfilled, and more giving – in all ways. And all that said, there are many women I know who also should read your blog … and your book. I’m happy to hear it is being published, and wish you great success!

    And as for the value of blogs? Yep, they are perhaps self-fulfilling, but well written and informative, they provide a service, and attract traffic to your …. well, your whatever, be it a cause, a book, etc. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed writing a blog, and have been utterly amazed at how many readers I continue to gain, even with sporadic postings. So I’ll be interested in following yours …. and again, best of luck with it!

    • There will be a print edition, but I imagine that at this point most people prefer an ebook. So I will format it for Kindle, Nook, and iBook. I try to think of it this way: I remember when you had to negotiate three separate subway companies: IRT, BMT, and IND. I don’t know if it was a genius, or popular irritation, that got them together under one token. Some day ebook will sit down in peace, and we will look back on this time in wonder.

      I will try to reward your faith in me and promote Universal Midlife Romantic Bliss. I’ve heard many stories on many topics. Let me know if there is anything in particular you’d like to hear about–or that you would like the men, and prospective men, in your life to know.

      • Great topic – looking forward to it. As I have been personally involved in this issue for the past few years, I welcome your perspective. Glad it will be e-published. Any chance of getting “The Roaches Have no King” in epub format (or did I miss that option)?

        • Steve, Please feel free to share your experiences. One doesn’t hear much from the male end.

          As it happens, The Roaches Have No King has been formatted in epub and is being proof-read right now (it’s supposed to be finished tonight!) So it will be off to Barnes and Noble (Nook) right away, and then to iBooks (which is annoyingly insular, and requires uploading from an Apple computer). I’ll have the links up when my home site is rejiggered, which will be done by the end of March.

  2. I eagerly await your new book. Your blog is beautifully written and with a winning thesis. There is certainly a need for this book, with so many middle-aged men passing over women older than 35, and with many woman finding relationship challenged as they get older. Both genders will have boundaries expanded I am sure by the information you have to share. May you have every good fortune with this book and with your blog. I hope this book quickly becomes a best seller.

  3. Yes, people read blogs. I just did. Keep spewing it out there. I am a long-time fan, as you know.

    Can’t think of anyone better who has such an objective reverence for women than you to tackle this subject.

    But you need to add your name to the top of this blog, not just in the web address – and make it absolutely clear you are a guy. It’s a perspective rarely given to this subject in any worthwhile way, so don’t bury the lead. Congrats.

  4. What a terrific blog, Dan, and so glad you have written a book on this much neglected topic! Women at midlife, and the men who should appreciate them, will be very happy that you have opened up this important topic. Thank you, and keep writing! This blog is a great place to begin an important and fascinating discussion.

  5. Dan, our old friend Cheryl found your blog. You may recall I’ve been blogging for years, I love blogs…so many great ones to follow out there. I opened the link, loved the Klimpt, (I got ferklempt), and read with great anticipation. Having adored your past works, I fell in love with your mission here. You did tell me that it was in work…we spoke.as you collected material. I await more of your delicious words! So much has happened in the time since we last communicated. Life happens, darlin’. I have been writing my first novel! It took a lifetime to start, but now the words are spewing forth. I’m about 300 pages in, but the research takes…well, look who I’m telling that to.
    I am excited for you, Dan. Congrats on the new “baby”…I can’t wait to read it.

    • How lovely to hear from you. I was always impressed by the dedication you had for blogging, and I hope to have same. (I’m sorry I did not warn you off the novel. But since you’ve already written more pages than I ever managed in a year, your experience is likely to be a lot more pleasant.)

      You’re a veteran of the midlife love wars (and often a victor). Please feel free to wade in with whatever you feel deserves airing.

    • What a shame there was a lapse in our communication…I could have provided more fodder for your fertile mind…I got lost in “love” for a year and a half…asked him to move out last October.
      I await your latest book with breath that is baited. Keep those neurons firing, Dan!

      • Your “lapse” is exactly what I’d like to hear all about. What causes a savvy babe like you to plunge into cohabitation within a few weeks of meeting a gent, when your entire history should have been screaming to you to slow down (no matter how sizzling he was)? Was it lust, or wishful thinking (or wishful thinking incited by lust)? There are men on your scent all the time; why were you so quick to give them all up for him? What finally tipped the scales, and tipped him out the door? Enquiring minds want to know!

        • Moving in together was six months into the relationship. He was living month-to-month and his landlord wanted the apt. for a nephew who was getting divorced. We decided to give it a shot. Who’s getting any younger? You know the ol’ saying ‘you don’t know someone until you live with them’. He was selfish, never wrong and perhaps the best lover of my life. Ultimately, the hot sex wasn’t enough to sustain the relationship, even that kind of mind-blowing, spend-the -whole-day in-bed sex. We grew far apart, I actually began to despise him, and I told him to get the F out of my house. It took him two months to leave. So cohabitation was a learning experience. He keeps emailing and texting me…I have moved on. There are so many eligible men. I date a lot, but I’m very selective… and I’m not handing out free samples.

          • I didn’t know that saying, actually. I see that you get caught in the no-woman’s land between “not handing out free samples” and cohabitation. Isn’t there a way to get to know a man so well that you reduce almost to nil the likelihood that you will come to such a quick and ugly parting? I like to think one benefit of this time of life is that we develop some wisdom, or at least better instincts, about these things — though of course there are always treacherous unknowns.

          • Dan, there were red flags with the architect. He told me he hadn’t ever had a truly successful relationship, but he really wanted to settle down with one woman for the rest of his life. There had been two marriages; one short, the next producing two daughters. He had a 10 yr. relationship with another woman, and another that lasted five year. BTW, unbeknownst to him, his older daughter and I are FB friends. We have chatted a great deal, and she has given me a lot of insight into why he can’t make a relationship work. He was brilliant, handsome, sophisticated, well-educated, well-traveled, a great cook, and as I said, the sex was off the charts. Part of the decision to live together was financial. Had his apartment not gotten pulled out from under him, we would have waited. We had talked about living together down the road, it just came sooner because of the circumstances. It seemed a good idea to share my bills via his moving in. His financial well started to run dry…less money coming to me to pay his share. Dan, my mother didn’t raise any stupid children, albeit I’m the only child! I’m a widow living on a fixed income, and no man, NO MAN, is gonna take me for a ride financially, or for that matter in any other way. Additionally, no great sex, and as I said it was great, is worth putting up with anyone’s BS. He became cocky, arrogant and insensitive. When this occurred I told him it wasn’t working and he needed to find a new place to live. It took two months…in all fairness, I can understand his taking the time to find the right place. However, in those two months, we no longer shared the same bedroom, we cooked at separate times, and in general barely spoke. I reached a point where the sound of his key in the lock was enough to make my blood curdle. I finally said to him in very loud voice that he had to “Get the F out of my house.” The morning he moved out, I didn’t even bother to wake up…I just slept through it and celebrated later! He keeps contacting me, wants to be friends. I forgot his birthday…well kinda accidentally on purpose…he texted me at 10:40 PM with some crap about how 67 really did feel different than 66…I’m 67, there is no difference. He found excuses to drop by twice for stuff he must have left behind intentionally. He texts to see if I can pick up some odds and ends for him when I next go to Costco. Nope, ain’t happening.
            As for moi, so many men, so little time. I began dating immediately. I must send out strong pheromones through the ether, because the men sniff it out via online dating sites!
            I’m a little older, and each experience makes one a little wiser. Ever onward and upward; I seek my future rest-of-my-life guy. Single girlfriends don’t get me…they haven’t had sex in a zillion years, and say they don’t want to…they’re full of it. I say, “Eat your hearts out, girls…perhaps with some fava beans and a nice chianti!”
            BTW, the book is really coming along..306 pages in…

          • Can you share some of the secrets of your ability to draw the droves of admirers? Why not be more charitable toward your friends, since you have nothing to fear from them?

  6. Your book party should have a singles event (without calling it that) component.

    Congratulations, I can’t wait to read this. I do n’t have a device, will there be any print options?

    • I don’t have a device either. (I have to proofread with the devices’ readers on the computer.) So, yes, there will be a dead tree option. All should be ready in about a month.

      (As for the party, like everyone else, I don’t know any available single men.)

      • Hey Dan! Nice Blog! I LOVE the idea of partnering with a dating site — OKC and match.com both have mix events…and both have scads of guys…now whether they are the marrying kind or not is always a question, but they are sure interested in middle-aged women and they have a real hard time even getting replies. As a woman who has a lot of experience with online sites, I know the world is our oyster online — maybe single middle-aged women need to be aware of this?

  7. Dan blogs are new to me also but it looks like they work. Yours has got me thinking.I being a middle aged man. At thirty seven I probably have reached the middle stage of my own existence. I personally have always dated in my own age group, give of take a year or two but even I at this point in life have considered dating women a decade younger than myself. I have found that, as you yourself has pointed out. Women of my age group have already mated ,reproduced and are changing the way they think about a potential new partner. I myself have not married or had children and dont want to miss out on my chance for that experience,yet women who are single in my age group have ‘been there done that’
    The ones a decade younger, in my generation are more apt to not have these things or ‘baggage’ as some would call it. It is one subject that will and has changed man or woman, over the years. We are having children later in life. Back in the day most were married in they’re early twenties. Not so much the case anymore. I do find your writings on this subject very interesting and will read more of your work. Keep it up. Oh by the way, now you know a single middle aged male. 🙂

    • Maybe not for you, but in general it is excellent news if your generation has watched mine make the mistake of thinking of children as just one of a series of objectives (after, say, traveling, buying a home, reaching some professional level). Many couples waited until their late thirties, or later, to begin — and, bizarrely, they never considered that it might be too late, because they all DESERVED to have children. Many never did. Many others had to resort to medical intervention, which is very expensive, awkward, sometimes painful, and destroys a couple’s sex life. Almost all the children born to my friends when they were over 40 had some kind of developmental problem.

      But don’t throw in the towel on your near-peers yet. I didn’t get married until I was 39 (which I do not recommend). Above all you need a woman you can talk to, who shares your sense of the world, and she is most likely to be of your own vintage.

  8. You’re such a hoot, Dan! Secrets? None.
    PhDs say men don’t read profiles…they look at the pix…the pleasure center in the brain, is activated…voila, an email is generated. OK,
    I have reasonably good looks for my age, I look much younger, in all truthfulness, but I think my honesty is the key to my success in receiving the amount of online “hits” I get. My profile is brutally honest. I’m clear about who I am, what I’m looking for. I state that I know my good and bad points, not afraid to own’em. I’m tongue in cheek, a bit cheeky, if you will. I’m bright, and I’m not afraid to show it…it definitely separates the wheat from the chaff. Those that don’t know what a Higgs-Boson particle is…(found today, March 14th, to be the ‘God Particle’), may be interested, or get scared away. The fact that I own a telescope…oooohhhh.
    I make clear that smart turns me on, I don’t flirt, my pix aren’t suggestive, but I get my personality across!

    • Well…my profile on OKC is pretty explicit right up front….so the people (I’m bi) don’t have to read more than a paragraph to get the nut of what I am into….funny thing is, there are many who read that and get all hot and bothered, but really don’t have it in them to go that direction.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *