“Holy fellatio, Batman! Fruit bats use oral sex to prolong actual sex.”


The myth of Homo sapiens exceptionalism takes another hit

Many humans whinge about not getting oral sex often enough, but for most animals, it’s completely non-existent. In fact, we know of only animal apart from humans to regularly engage in fellatio – the short-nosed fruit bat(Cynopterus sphinx).

The bat’s sexual antics have only just been recorded by Min Tan of China’s Guangdong Entomological Institute (who are either branching out, or are confused about entomology). Tan captured 60 wild bats from a nearby park, housed them in pairs of the opposite sex and voyeuristically filmed their liaisons using a night-time camera. Twenty of the bats got busy, and their exploits were all caught on video.

Male bats create tents by biting leaves until they fall into shape. These provide shelter and double as harems, each housing several females who the male mates with. Fruit bat sex goes like this: the female approaches and sniffs the male, and both partners start to lick one another. The male makes approaches with his thumbs (like the Fonz) and mounts the female (like the Fonz). Sex itself is the typical rhythmic thrusting that we’re used to, and afterwards, the male licks his own penis for several seconds.

But Tan also found that female bat will often bend down to lick the shaft of her mate’s penis during sex itself. This behaviour happened on 70% of the videos, making it the only known example of regular fellatio in a non-human animal. It also prolonged the sexual encounter – males never withdrew their penises when they were being licked and, on average, the behaviour bought the couple an extra 100 seconds of sex over and above the usual 2 minutes. The licking itself only lasted for 20 seconds on average, so each second of it buys six extra seconds of penetration.  

Oral sex is rare in other animals. Bonobos do it (but really, what don't they do?) but it’s more of a form of play among young males, and there’s one anecdotal instance of an orang-utan doing the same. Some animals, such as ring-tailed lemurs, lick each other’s genitals to judge whether they’re ready for mating, but there’s no evidence that they do so as an actual part of sex. As for other bats, it’s entirely possible that they too engage in oral sex. However, given their inaccessible roosts and nocturnal habits, we’re largely in their dark about their sex lives.

Nonetheless, Tan suggests a few possible reasons for the short-nosed fruit bat’s penchant for fellatio, aside from the anthropocentric conclusion of ‘pleasure-giving’. Bat penises contain erectile tissue much like our own. It gets stiffer if it’s stimulated, so females could use oral sex to prolong their encounters with males, by maintain their erections or lubricating it for easier entry.

While many of us might nod sagely at the need for longer sex, Tan suggests that for the bats, it could mean easier transport of sperm to the oviduct, or more secretions from the female that are conducive to fertilisation. It could also be a way of hogging a mate, keeping him away from rival females.

Alternatively, the antiseptic properties of saliva might help to strip the male’s penis of bacteria or fungi, and prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. The fact that males lick their own penises after sex supports this idea.  

And finally, oral sex might help females to pick up chemical traces on her mate that might suggest if he’s a suitable mate. Obviously, they’d already be having sex, but female mammals often exert choice over their sexual partners after the fact, rejecting sperm from inferior males, or encouraging congress with superior ones to displace it. All of these explanations are just hypotheses for the moment, but they could all be tested in the future.



(Courtesy of Numbers the roach.)

Cockroaches do historical reenactment of Chiang Kai-Shek running away from Mao, to Taiwan


This is what the wire services reported:

One million cockroaches flee China farm


We were said to be running for our lives before we were to be chopped up and turned into some kind of Chinese penis-firmer. 

It was nothing like that. We don't flee. We don't do flight.

Humans flee. We like to watch them go. Then we have fun with it afterwards.

This time we were recollecting the mad dash for Taiwan in 1949 by humans who were concerned that they were about to be killed by the humans they had been trying to kill for the previous 20 years.

No, we didn't try to squeeze into old uniforms that had somehow shrunk. And no, we didn't have to sleep in the mud and shit in buckets so we could feel genuine.

We had only to run around and laugh. And it was a hell of a good time!

(Courtesy of Numbers the roach.)

Happy New Year to you Jews from me and the clan. (I’m not really German, I swear.)



Shana Tova, Jewish humans, from me and the family.  We're called the German roach, but we're not, I swear by the Entity That Put Us Here Way Before You.  As it is written in The Roaches Have No King: 

Columbo said, "Yes, but if you want to talk roots, we're African. The west German humans call us the French roach, the eastern Germans call us the Russian roach, and the southern and northern Germans name us after each other. We have an image problem. But let's not forget who made up the name—the animal who calls itself 'Homo sapiens.'

"Latin for 'thinking faggot,'" said Miller.

Columbo said, "Humans trace homo to the Indo-European 'dhghom-on,' meaning 'earthling.' But it's African, savannah dialect. When the hairy runt first fell out of the tree, we cried, 'Hoho!' The name stuck."

(Courtesy of Numbers the roach.)

Scientist: “Sexual cannibalism may provide an evolutionary advantage, because a better-fed female is more likely to produce healthy descendants”

6143327327_45884f9a78_zYou want to talk “moral relativism”? The female dark fishing spider mutilates her mate's genitalia and then eats him after mating–and Homo sapiens scientists see the evolutionary sun shining! Oh, how lovely for the female, and the species, that she is so well-fed! 

But how does the male feel about this?  As he is being sundered do you think he’s glowing at the idea that he is giving himself up for the greater good?  Or is he feeling, “AHHH! STOP! THE PAIN! YOU’RE KILLING ME!”

Homo sapiens females who kill their mates are labeled ‘black widows’, and called to answer for their crimes.  But here is where Homo sapiens has made another of its bizarre adaptations. Some females psychologically mutilate their mate’s genitalia and then financially devour him. This is deemed acceptable, even laudable. Why? Where is the “evolutionary advantage”? 

The pretender:


The real McCoy:


Learn about diversity: kill Americans and send in the bodies for DNA analysis


The Rockefeller University announced a research project in its “Program for the Human Environment.”  It is enlisting science-minded high school students around the country to do the field work.  This is the project description:


High school students and other citizen scientists collecting and helping analyze Americans using DNA barcoding.


Genetic diversity is a window into evolution and patterns of migration. Americans originated in Africa and hitchhiked around the world on commercial goods. This project asks:

  • Do Americans differ genetically between cities?
  • Do US genetic types match those in other parts of the world?
  • Are there genetic types that represent undiscovered look-alike species?


To participate, collect a dead American.

What you need

  • American (dead)
  • Specimen label with collection location, date
  • Mailing materials

What you get

  • Thrill of scientific discovery with DNA
  • Cool topic to talk about with friends
  • DNA sequences you can analyze to study evolution
All you Homo sapiens must think this is either appalling, or a joke. In fact it is real. I made one small change.  From the official document I removed one word: roach. The project needs dead American roaches (Periplaneta americana).
And now you think it’s fine, right?
Humans make me sick.

“God Proud Of Cockroaches”


The ‘humor’ site The Onion, which is usually as funny as leukemia, finally got a story right, in spite of itself:

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was astounded with their continued tenacity and resilience through generations of life on earth, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, declared today His overwhelming pride in cockroaches.

The Divine Creator, who spoke extensively with reporters about the prevalent group of insects, repeatedly stated that cockroaches have “far exceeded” His expectations for them and conveyed His deep admiration for the accomplishments of all 4,500 cockroach species.

“Cockroaches have come a long way since I first created them—they’ve really flourished over the eons and have clearly established themselves as one of earth’s great creatures,” the Eternal One proclaimed. “I admit, I didn’t give them much to work with, but look at what they’ve done with it. There are cockroaches on every continent on the planet—in houses, apartments, landfills, forests, deserts—everywhere. They are truly remarkable beings.”

“If you asked me millions of years ago whether or not I thought cockroaches would outlive dinosaurs, I would have said ‘absolutely not,’” God continued. “But, I just have to admire the little guys for proving me wrong.”

Calling the insects’ adaptability to constant environmental changes “unparalleled,” the Maker of Heaven and Earth was visibly elated when discussing the tremendous volume of vibrant, cooperative communities that cockroaches have built across the world despite possessing neither complex brain structures nor opposable thumbs.

He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of Darkness told reporters that, when comparing cockroaches to other species like zebras, plankton, alligators, human beings, or plant life, He was most taken by how the average cockroach would willingly eat anything, live anywhere, and compete against any species in order to survive and reproduce.

Furthermore, God noted that in His overwhelming praise of cockroaches, He hadn’t even factored in the numerous members of the genus that have the ability to fly.

“If I had to describe cockroaches in one word, it would have to be ‘fearless,’” the Supreme Being said, smiling widely as He reflected on the continuing successes of cockroaches. “I was just watching the other night when six or seven of them scurried right across the face of Daniel Jaffe of Urbana, IL—who is something like 40 times bigger than them, mind you—and they didn’t even think twice about it. And that kind of thing happens thousands of times every day. That’s how you know they have courage.”

“And every year human scientists come up with some new formula to kill cockroaches, but I always know they’ll learn to avoid poisoned bait or develop their own chemical resistance and will still be around and thriving the following year,” He added. “Honestly, I probably don’t tell them enough how proud I am of them.”

The omnipotent entity went on to state that He occasionally wished more species exhibited the persistent willpower and determination of cockroaches, but then reminded reporters that He continued to love all of His creations equally for what they had to offer.

The Lord then added, however, that even though cockroaches live just a year and a half on average, each one had likely achieved “far, far more in its life than any other creature.”

“I presume if I made cockroaches even slightly bigger, they would be commanding the entire planet right now, no questions asked,” said God, remarking that He still wouldn’t put it past the insects to one day dominate earth nonetheless. “But what I really like about them is how they seem quite content with their status in the world. They’re satisfied with how far they’ve come and are truly grateful for what they have.”

“Cockroaches will forever be welcome in My kingdom,” God added. “That’s why there are always billions of them crawling around heaven.”

Publisher an indian giver on contract Paula Deen jewed down, leaving her career with chinaman’s chance

bedPaula Deen is through.  Her TV show, her products, her endorsements–all finished. Why?  Not because she was Spreading the Southern Fried Gospel of the Church of Diabetes (and even converted to become a Diabetic herself). No, it was what she said about black–in particular once incident about finding black under her bed.

This is from her book, It’s Ain’t All About the Cookin’:

I saw a huge, black mass slowly move under my bed.

“Oh, my God,” I said out loud, and lifted up the dust ruffle to see better.

What I saw was a mass of black, wiggling, shiny cockroaches, like a single lump of stuff with a million legs, all now running together–now fast, now scurrying even faster.  I’m not proud to be telling y’all this.

They were there under my bed feeding, and when I’d flipped on the light, they’d started to run for cover, a clump the size of a dinner plate, like a horrible science fiction creature.  Listen, it took so much courage to lift that dust ruffle, and now I watched those breeding roaches disappear again in the dark underbelly of the dust ruffle, and, I knew, into the bed springs.  I didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I crawled into my bed in this roach-infested bedroom and I cried and I couldn’t stop until I fell asleep.

That was my bottoming out.

A few things about racism: If you don’t say African-Americans shuffle and Chinese-Americans mince, do not say that we “scurry.”  It is degrading.  We do not scurry: we move expeditiously to the most advantageous location.

In your inner cities you say you have a “high population density.” That works for us too. Don’t say we “infest.” When you’re the first to live somewhere, you do not infest; you inhabit. When unwanted beings then arrive and congregate in large numbers, they (YOU) infest.

News reports say Paul was fired from her show and lost her book deals and endorsements because she, with rare human honesty, admitted to doing what so many do in the privacy of their homes: saying “nigger.”  If she had copped only to the “N-word” she’d still be pouring fat into the pie holes of the American obese. And since “nigger and “N-word” mean exactly the same thing, the episode is one more instance of a species with too much time on its hands. After this brief dust-up, those hands returned to their customary use: ladling in the lard.


“Roach-eating champion choked to death on bug parts”

cockroach-eating-competition-300x235Sometimes I think there may be a God after all.

Last October in Broward, Florida, a group of enlightened Homo sapiens congregated for a “roach-eating contest.”  That’s right–Thinking man was eating roaches not because he was hungry, but for sport.  Thirty contestants were vying to win rare snakes. Snakes–animals that spend their lives locomoting through others’ droppings.

A video–please do watch it!–shows one Homo sapiens “forcing handfuls of the live bugs down his throat, covering his mouth with his hands to keep them from crawling out. He appears to be half-chewing as he swallows, finally pounding on his chest and raising his arms in triumph with bug parts poking out of his mouth.” This is the one time in my life I wish I had been in Florida.

A University of Florida entomologist said that when you bite into these large insects, “you’re going to get a gush of fat bodies, the gut content and the hemolymph — essentially insect blood. As you bite down, that’s going to put pressure on the exoskeleton, so when it’s ruptured, it’s going to squirt.”

The winner collected his trophy–a $850 ivory ball python–then started vomiting, and collapsed.




Now where will we get our feces?

GooseWasteThis is too rich.

DALLAS, N.C. — Dozens of people have gathered in a Gaston County park for a memorial service for 144 Canadian geese that were euthanized by county workers worried they had become a health hazard.

The service Friday night included 144 fresh-cut daisies and carnations and songs. Several people at the service discussed putting together a rescue group for geese.

During the mid 20th century, when the population of this giant, vicious, destructive animal was in natural balance, you “protected” it.  Its numbers went crazy.  Today it collides with planes, destroys gardens, attacks people, and shits all over your  lawns, parks, streets, ponds, and children. When someone makes a tiny corrective measure, you mourn.

A simple calculation:

c poop

This means that every year, Canadian geese produce 4,175,600,000 pounds–more than two million tons!–of shit.  That’s three times the amount of butter produced in the entire country.

Why not kill the geese, and just smear the butter all over your lawns, parks, streets, ponds, and children?

Let me remind you that this is what dung beetles do with excrement: roll it away, then recycle it.


Who mourns the slain beetles?