This is what the wire services reported:

One million cockroaches flee China farm

We were said to be running for our lives before we were to be chopped up and turned into some kind of Chinese penis-firmer. 

It was nothing like that. We don't flee. We don't do flight.

Humans flee. We like to watch them go. Then we have fun with it afterwards.

This time we were recollecting the mad dash for Taiwan in 1949 by humans who were concerned that they were about to be killed by the humans they had been trying to kill for the previous 20 years.

No, we didn't try to squeeze into old uniforms that had somehow shrunk. And no, we didn't have to sleep in the mud and shit in buckets so we could feel genuine.

We had only to run around and laugh. And it was a hell of a good time!

(Courtesy of Numbers the roach.)

Shana Tova, Jewish humans, from me and the family.  We're called the German roach, but we're not, I swear by the Entity That Put Us Here Way Before You.  As it is written in The Roaches Have No King: 

Columbo said, "Yes, but if you want to talk roots, we're African. The west German humans call us the French roach, the eastern Germans call us the Russian roach, and the southern and northern Germans name us after each other. We have an image problem. But let's not forget who made up the name—the animal who calls itself 'Homo sapiens.'

"Latin for 'thinking faggot,'" said Miller.

Columbo said, "Humans trace homo to the Indo-European 'dhghom-on,' meaning 'earthling.' But it's African, savannah dialect. When the hairy runt first fell out of the tree, we cried, 'Hoho!' The name stuck."

(Courtesy of Numbers the roach.)

You want to talk “moral relativism”? The female dark fishing spider mutilates her mate's genitalia and then eats him after mating–and Homo sapiens scientists see the evolutionary sun shining! Oh, how lovely for the female, and the species, that she is so well-fed! 

But how does the male feel about this?  As he is being sundered do you think he’s glowing at the idea that he is giving himself up for the greater good?  Or is he feeling, “AHHH! STOP! THE PAIN! YOU’RE KILLING ME!”

Homo sapiens females who kill their mates are labeled ‘black widows’, and called to answer for their crimes.  But here is where Homo sapiens has made another of its bizarre adaptations. Some females psychologically mutilate their mate’s genitalia and then financially devour him. This is deemed acceptable, even laudable. Why? Where is the “evolutionary advantage”? 

The pretender:

The real McCoy:

The Rockefeller University announced a research project in its “Program for the Human Environment.”  It is enlisting science-minded high school students around the country to do the field work.  This is the project description:

What

High school students and other citizen scientists collecting and helping analyze Americans using DNA barcoding.

Why

Genetic diversity is a window into evolution and patterns of migration. Americans originated in Africa and hitchhiked around the world on commercial goods. This project asks:

How

To participate, collect a dead American.

What you need

• American (dead)
• Specimen label with collection location, date
• Mailing materials

What you get

• Thrill of scientific discovery with DNA
• Cool topic to talk about with friends
• DNA sequences you can analyze to study evolution

All you Homo sapiens must think this is either appalling, or a joke. In fact it is real. I made one small change.  From the official document I removed one word: roach. The project needs dead American roaches (Periplaneta americana).

And now you think it’s fine, right?

Humans make me sick.

The ‘humor’ site The Onion, which is usually as funny as leukemia, finally got a story right, in spite of itself:

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was astounded with their continued tenacity and resilience through generations of life on earth, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, declared today His overwhelming pride in cockroaches.

The Divine Creator, who spoke extensively with reporters about the prevalent group of insects, repeatedly stated that cockroaches have “far exceeded” His expectations for them and conveyed His deep admiration for the accomplishments of all 4,500 cockroach species.

“Cockroaches have come a long way since I first created them—they’ve really flourished over the eons and have clearly established themselves as one of earth’s great creatures,” the Eternal One proclaimed. “I admit, I didn’t give them much to work with, but look at what they’ve done with it. There are cockroaches on every continent on the planet—in houses, apartments, landfills, forests, deserts—everywhere. They are truly remarkable beings.”

“If you asked me millions of years ago whether or not I thought cockroaches would outlive dinosaurs, I would have said ‘absolutely not,’” God continued. “But, I just have to admire the little guys for proving me wrong.”

Calling the insects’ adaptability to constant environmental changes “unparalleled,” the Maker of Heaven and Earth was visibly elated when discussing the tremendous volume of vibrant, cooperative communities that cockroaches have built across the world despite possessing neither complex brain structures nor opposable thumbs.

He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of Darkness told reporters that, when comparing cockroaches to other species like zebras, plankton, alligators, human beings, or plant life, He was most taken by how the average cockroach would willingly eat anything, live anywhere, and compete against any species in order to survive and reproduce.

Furthermore, God noted that in His overwhelming praise of cockroaches, He hadn’t even factored in the numerous members of the genus that have the ability to fly.

“If I had to describe cockroaches in one word, it would have to be ‘fearless,’” the Supreme Being said, smiling widely as He reflected on the continuing successes of cockroaches. “I was just watching the other night when six or seven of them scurried right across the face of Daniel Jaffe of Urbana, IL—who is something like 40 times bigger than them, mind you—and they didn’t even think twice about it. And that kind of thing happens thousands of times every day. That’s how you know they have courage.”

“And every year human scientists come up with some new formula to kill cockroaches, but I always know they’ll learn to avoid poisoned bait or develop their own chemical resistance and will still be around and thriving the following year,” He added. “Honestly, I probably don’t tell them enough how proud I am of them.”

The omnipotent entity went on to state that He occasionally wished more species exhibited the persistent willpower and determination of cockroaches, but then reminded reporters that He continued to love all of His creations equally for what they had to offer.

The Lord then added, however, that even though cockroaches live just a year and a half on average, each one had likely achieved “far, far more in its life than any other creature.”

“I presume if I made cockroaches even slightly bigger, they would be commanding the entire planet right now, no questions asked,” said God, remarking that He still wouldn’t put it past the insects to one day dominate earth nonetheless. “But what I really like about them is how they seem quite content with their status in the world. They’re satisfied with how far they’ve come and are truly grateful for what they have.”

“Cockroaches will forever be welcome in My kingdom,” God added. “That’s why there are always billions of them crawling around heaven.”

Paula Deen is through.  Her TV show, her products, her endorsements–all finished. Why?  Not because she was Spreading the Southern Fried Gospel of the Church of Diabetes (and even converted to become a Diabetic herself). No, it was what she said about black–in particular once incident about finding black under her bed.

This is from her book, It’s Ain’t All About the Cookin’:

I saw a huge, black mass slowly move under my bed.

“Oh, my God,” I said out loud, and lifted up the dust ruffle to see better.

What I saw was a mass of black, wiggling, shiny cockroaches, like a single lump of stuff with a million legs, all now running together–now fast, now scurrying even faster.  I’m not proud to be telling y’all this.

They were there under my bed feeding, and when I’d flipped on the light, they’d started to run for cover, a clump the size of a dinner plate, like a horrible science fiction creature.  Listen, it took so much courage to lift that dust ruffle, and now I watched those breeding roaches disappear again in the dark underbelly of the dust ruffle, and, I knew, into the bed springs.  I didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I crawled into my bed in this roach-infested bedroom and I cried and I couldn’t stop until I fell asleep.

That was my bottoming out.

A few things about racism: If you don’t say African-Americans shuffle and Chinese-Americans mince, do not say that we “scurry.”  It is degrading.  We do not scurry: we move expeditiously to the most advantageous location.

In your inner cities you say you have a “high population density.” That works for us too. Don’t say we “infest.” When you’re the first to live somewhere, you do not infest; you inhabit. When unwanted beings then arrive and congregate in large numbers, they (YOU) infest.

News reports say Paul was fired from her show and lost her book deals and endorsements because she, with rare human honesty, admitted to doing what so many do in the privacy of their homes: saying “nigger.”  If she had copped only to the “N-word” she’d still be pouring fat into the pie holes of the American obese. And since “nigger and “N-word” mean exactly the same thing, the episode is one more instance of a species with too much time on its hands. After this brief dust-up, those hands returned to their customary use: ladling in the lard.

Sometimes I think there may be a God after all.

Last October in Broward, Florida, a group of enlightened Homo sapiens congregated for a “roach-eating contest.”  That’s right–Thinking man was eating roaches not because he was hungry, but for sport.  Thirty contestants were vying to win rare snakes. Snakes–animals that spend their lives locomoting through others’ droppings.

A video–please do watch it!–shows one Homo sapiens “forcing handfuls of the live bugs down his throat, covering his mouth with his hands to keep them from crawling out. He appears to be half-chewing as he swallows, finally pounding on his chest and raising his arms in triumph with bug parts poking out of his mouth.” This is the one time in my life I wish I had been in Florida.

A University of Florida entomologist said that when you bite into these large insects, “you’re going to get a gush of fat bodies, the gut content and the hemolymph — essentially insect blood. As you bite down, that’s going to put pressure on the exoskeleton, so when it’s ruptured, it’s going to squirt.”

The winner collected his trophy–a $850 ivory ball python–then started vomiting, and collapsed.

Lovely!

This is too rich.

DALLAS, N.C. — Dozens of people have gathered in a Gaston County park for a memorial service for 144 Canadian geese that were euthanized by county workers worried they had become a health hazard.

The service Friday night included 144 fresh-cut daisies and carnations and songs. Several people at the service discussed putting together a rescue group for geese.

During the mid 20th century, when the population of this giant, vicious, destructive animal was in natural balance, you “protected” it.  Its numbers went crazy.  Today it collides with planes, destroys gardens, attacks people, and shits all over your  lawns, parks, streets, ponds, and children. When someone makes a tiny corrective measure, you mourn.

A simple calculation:

This means that every year, Canadian geese produce 4,175,600,000 pounds–more than two million tons!–of shit.  That’s three times the amount of butter produced in the entire country.

Why not kill the geese, and just smear the butter all over your lawns, parks, streets, ponds, and children?

Let me remind you that this is what dung beetles do with excrement: roll it away, then recycle it.

Who mourns the slain beetles?

Happy Independence Day, America.  In 1776 you cut yourself free from the British King, George III.  He was a descendant of the House of Hanover, in Germany.

Don’t think, however, that all Germans are so feeble.  Blatella germanica, the German cockroach, will never let you go!

Words are unequal to the horror that is reported in an article: Mad scientists turn roaches into cyborgs, control them with Kinect, laugh at nature.  Humans implant circuits into the nervous systems of cockroaches so they can control their motion.  Are these humans monsters? Even the geek reporter admits as much.

Dr. Mengele (aka Dr. Alper Bozkurt, of the project) says, “Our goal is to be able to guide these roaches as efficiently as possible, and our work with Kinect is helping us do that.” Untold numbers of roaches will die, as data is collected on how they endure the torture.  And the excuse? As usual, it’s about “disaster areas,” how these deaths are really part of a humanitarian effort.

If you’re going to impale the heads of living beings, at least man up as much as any  little kid would. “I do it because it’s fun!”

The worst part? Kinect is made by Microsoft. Couldn’t we at least die on an Apple or a Wii?