Take a whiff of that, Captain

Charles Laughton as Captain BlighOne of the greatest recorded feats of navigation, humans are told, was accomplished by Captain Bligh.  Skipper of the HMS Bounty, he and 18 crewmen were cast adrift in a small boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean by mutineers.  After a 3600 mile voyage, Bligh landed safely in the Dutch East Indies.

What’s the big deal?  He navigated with a quadrant and pocket watch.  His boat sat effortlessly on the water, and was propelled by wind.  What if he had no hardware, and pushed the boat across the Pacific with his Imperial British body?

Such is the achievement of the noble dung beetle, every day.  It fashions a ball of ordure, which it uses both for food and as a place to live (a ball of dung is Shangri-La compared to millions of the human homes we inhabit). Because robbery is, alas, as common among beetles as among humans, it has to roll the ball away, and the escape route has to be exact.

How does the dung beetle navigate with its precious cargo? Homo sapiens, thinking man, has finally figured out that the beetle charts its voyage by observing the Milky Way Galaxy. No sextant, no pocket watch.

And, seeing as the ball is up to ten times the beetle’s weight, THIS is a feat of navigation one can salute.

Sod is my co-pilot




Come and get it!

obeseGlucose is bad for both your kind and mine, but for different reasons.  We do not overeat; roaches do not get fat.  The danger for us is that you mix it with poison and leave it out as bait.  You’ve killed millions.  Good work.

It’s wonderful solace to see what glucose does to you.  If you watch nature shows, you’ve seen animals which are invaded by parasites, bloat hugely as they are consumed, and then die piteously.  We see much the same in you–except that you do it without parasites.  You turn yourself into gelatinous monsters, rolling with fat, and die gruesome, premature deaths.  Why don’t you stop yourselves?  Where is your pride?  Does fat hang so thickly from your eyebrows so that you cannot see a mirror?  What images must you summon when you mount each other?

The solution, for all, is simply not to eat glucose.  We no longer do.  About thirty years ago, we accepted that glucose caused death.  More than that, we adapted; our genes changed–evolved, if you like.  We no longer lust for glucose.

Will you learn about glucose?  Will you adapt?  Put the poisoned glucose out for us.  We’ll leave it for you, with best wishes.

Cockroaches quickly lose sweet tooth to survive.



“Researchers” get off on cockroach bondage porn

As if we’ve never heard this excuse before: A video comes to light with the most appalling sadistic element, and the people responsible claim it was for “research”.  Click the image above and watch.  Note the jaunty “no one is doing anything wrong here!” music.

Roaches are fastidiously clean.  (If you’re surprised, you’re beyond a racist–you’re a specieist.)  Our habits make cats look like hobos.  Most important are the antennae, of course.  They detect us odors, tiny motions in their air, and chemicals of all sort.  We keep them immaculate.

Here’s the claim.  “Researchers” of cockroach behavior needed to find out what this cleaning accomplished, so they GLUED a victim’s mouthparts to prevent him from grooming.  GLUED!  Even in human BDSM porn, which is revolting, they never go so low.

“Researchers” noticed a “shiny, waxy buildup on the antennae that clogs the tiny pores that lead to odor-sensing cells.” Not wanting to confuse the readers of their findings, they called it “gunk.”  Many thousands of dollars later they found out that gunk interfered with the function of antennae.

No roach would glue a human’s mouth, much as we might want to (more to stop the talking than the eating).  It’s barbaric.  If there is anything we seek to know, we do research in the field.

Next time you see a picture of a human lying in the debris of an earthquake, or expiring because of crop failure, don’t be upset at the insects swarming all over its face.  They’re fact-finding.


“The Magic of Words”

Summer2012_NWord_KenyaMoonEach day we receive an email with a “word of the day,”  with a  definition, etymology, and sample of usage.  Because the messages are meant to enhance our appreciation of language, there is an explanation about why the words that are chosen are special.  The slogan of the organization that sends the messages is “The Magic of Words” (which should in no way be confused with The Magic of Middle-Aged Women”).

Yesterday’s word:




noun: A mean, stingy person.
adjective: Stingy.


>From Middle English nigard, of Scandinavian origin. Earliest documented use: 1384. 


Today’s word has nothing to do with the N-word, however, similarity in sounds has led to people objecting to it. It’s seen more often in its adjectival form, niggardly, as in: “Japan has the world’s second-largest economy, yet its promised $200m so far is niggardly.” 


Such is the power of the N-word that even an enterprise that is devoted to the richness of our language cannot write it.

Truly this word is magical.


Soul of the city, pt 3

cropped il_570xN.410232014_r0q9

More from the urban dictionary:


a guy or girl who is just an overprotective scumbag when it comes to dating. It doesn’t have to be a boyfriend/girlfriend. It could simply be someone who is arrogant, a jerk, a scumbag, or someone who has no regard to one’s friendship/relationship

Boy: let’s get coffee sometime, you are awesome to be with!!

Girl: uh.. I don’t know.. my boyfriend wouldn’t like that

Boy: so over-protective!!!

Girl: yea

Boy: don’t let that fucking roach tell you what to do!!!

Girl: don’t worry… will do so


Related words:

scum, dick, fag, chump, arrogant


Soul of the city, pt 2

urban_dictionary_iconMore from the urban dictionary


A person who’s always asking for money or favors. A person who is dependent on others and can’t do anything for his or herself. A person who always asks for rides, borrowed money, use your cellphone to call his/her girlfriend, your good clothes to go on a date, your car to make a good impression, your computer because they forgot to pay the internet bill, and morsels of your food because they can’t afford to buy their own $1 cheeseburger. Can range from one of your friends to the crackhead asking for cigs at the gas station.

Tip for the day: A roach will never return the favor. Stay away from roaches to avoid an infestation of other fellow roaches.

“Sean is a fucking roach man. He’s always asking for money and happens to magically show up when I’m eating my food. By the time he leaves, half my fries are gone.”

Related words:

bum, crackhead, leech, bugaboo, lazy, fat



Soul of the city, pt 1

il_570xN.424550818_c91vWith all due respect, you make me sick. You “discover” land, as if when your your leaky tubs arrived you were expecting to find porridge.  You “claim” land, like a baby who plants a twig in the sand and claims the ocean.  (When his soggy diaper falls and spills, for the day, at least, that small territory is his.)

And now your pestilent hand reaches again into the language, the one place we felt safe. Your “urban” people have made a dictionary.  Most dictionaries have many definitions for each word.  The “urban” dictionary isn’t big on words, but it is rich with “meanings.”

A few examples:


The reminisce of a smoked joint. Once a J becomes the roach it can become very difficult to hit and it is best to usually give it to the “roach master.”
A roach master is someone who can hit the roach no matter how small it gets and commonly sells cigarettes for a dollar.

–“dude i don’t think this joint is lit anymore, its the roach”

–“dude give it to the roach master!”

Related words:

cigarettes, weed, joint



Someone who is incredibly busted in the appearance department. They try so hard to look good but it just isnt working for them. Can also apply to skanks and sluts.

Ex. “Hey look at that whore over there.” “Yeah, she’s a total roach.”

Related words:

slut, skank, whore, hoe, busted